The Stoner’s Version of Creationism

Warning: The following has disturbing language and drug use.

This is inspired by a conversation with my cousin few years ago while we weren’t exactly sober.  I just remembered it recently and decided to share it with you all.

The Marijuana God

*Hits Blunt*

So in the beginning, there was just Allah/God.  God was really bored so he created the heavens, angels etc.  Then after much sampling of different trees/plants he created, he created a special tree: marijuana.

God in his infinite wisdom decided to smoke some of this new tree and it got him insanely high.  Then after he got high, he came up with this master plan.  He wanted to create humans, make this tree forbidden, and enjoy watching them be tempted to smoke his weed.  If they fail, he thought, he’ll just kick them out of heaven, and make all their offspring have to figure out life on Earth.  That ought to be fun, he thought, especially if you’re high and watching it happen from the outside.

So God created only one copy of this new tree and created two humans with moral shortcomings: Adam and Eve.  God told them, “you can enjoy all my other trees. But don’t touch that one tree. That’s my weed right there. You ain’t going to smoke that shit.”

Adam and Eve began to enjoy the heavens.  Then Eve became curious about what it’s like to be high after seeing God high and thinking up crazy things like “Donald Trump for President” or “hijabi feminist” and laughing.

Eve thought “I wanna laugh and think up crazy deep things too.  That tree looks interesting.”

Then out comes a snake, high as f— talking to Eve.  Eve is perplexed the snake is talking.  The snake says “Yeah.  That weed is some good shit.  I talk when I’m high and you should definitely get high too.”

Eve denies.  Because God told her and Adam not to smoke his weed.

But after some time of the snake insisting to Eve that the weed is heavenly (pun intended), Eve succumbs to peer pressure and indulges.  She smokes the weed from the forbidden tree and becomes high.  She starts feeling the sensations around her more, hearing intricaciesof the tunes around her, thinking in different ways about things.  She began pondering the reason for life.  Then through deep thought, she realized God must’ve created her and Adam to watch them be tempted to get high for his own amusement.  Something really bad must happen as a consequence of this indulgence, Eve thought.  This can’t be the final stop of his plan.

As her high went from happy and reflective to paranoid, God appeared.

“Yo. Who the fuck smoked some of my bud?  I had that shit ready for ‘Netflix and chill’ with a creation from my fantasies in a bit!”

Eve hid behind the bushes.  Then she realized God was just toying with her because he is omniscient.  “This is a bad trip,” she thought.

God gathered Adam and Eve together in one spot.  He told Adam “Yo.  I’m going to write a few books and send them to Earth.  In the Old Testament I’m going to blame this shit on Eve and use this story to scapegoat women completely.”

Then God sent them down to planet Earth.  And Adam and Eve lived on to create humanity.

So to sum it up: humans are on earth because God thought this whole thing up while high.  Then he decided to write a few books and say “All right you’re on your own.  These books will help.”

God works in mysterious ways.


What do you think? Feel free to comment below. Don’t forget to follow me at:

Twitter @secularbrownie



4 thoughts on “The Stoner’s Version of Creationism

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